|$149.95 for this useless piece of scrap!|
So I was watching the Canada-Finland game from the World Hockey Championship, and during one of the commercials there was an advertisement for the QRay bracelet. For the uninitiated, this is a piece of metal you wear around your wrist that just makes things magically better. I know this is bullshit, and you know this is bullshit, but I was surprised to see how they justify their bullshit.
I hit up the QRray website and looked at the page that claims to tell us what the benefits are. I hope you’re ready to laugh, because this is some hilarious crap:
The power of positivity has long been regarded as a vital component for feeling better and living better. When you are in balance, your everyday life benefits. You have greater clarity, you perform at a higher level and you feel more positive.
What doctor regards “the power of positivity” as a “vital component” to daily health? None. I challenge the QRay people to find an article in a legitimate medical journal that really supports that statement. And the bullshit keeps going. “When you are in balance.” When what is in balance? Does my everyday life benefit from me being a tightrope walker? Are circus performers the healthiest people in the world? They certainly “perform at a higher level”, at least, elevation-wise.
The QRay wellness bracelet’s exclusive and innovative design helps to restore the body’s natural balance, so that you can carry on the way nature intended.
If we are supposed to carry on the way intended by nature, then why do we need a worthless piece of metal wrapped around our wrist? How is that, in any way, natural? You don’t see monkeys and dolphins and elephants twisting strips of tin on their various limbs. Amazing.
It’s called the QRay effect, a beautiful and meticulously designed bracelet that works in a similar fashion to accupuncture [sic] without needles.
Ahhh, it works like acupuncture, so you mean, not at all. That’s enlightening. So how do they justify their fantasy-magic bracelet fixing your fantasy-magic “balance”?
Your natural energy flows via channels called meridians.
Meridians. Got it.
Within the 14 meridian channels, there are approximately 360 acupuncture points that act as pathways for your natural energy.
14 channels. 360 points. Pathways. Right.
QRay bracelets are wellness bracelets designed to optimize your natural positive energy.
Wait, that’s it? That doesn’t even answer how a QRay bracelet works in magic land! It doesn’t use the rules and information given to explain how the little twist of steel fixes everything! Does it block one of the 14 channels, or enhance them? Does it tap one of the 360 acupuncture points for extra awesome? Maybe it just blocks negative energy points. Maybe it makes a connection between a point and a channel? What does it do?
Oh wait. Nothing. It doesn’t do a thing. They don’t even bother to make up an explanation. They just intend to take your money, laugh at you, and walk away. And how much money? For the “original standard” model, $59.95; for the “plus professional”, $149.95. That’s a lot of money to spend to look like a buffoon with no brain, don’t you think?